Post Script

It's been a year since I began my adventures as an elf, and I thought a 'Where are they now?' post might be applicable.

What happens to elves after Christmas? Is there an elf graduate scheme?

Sadly, no. They mainly try to gain any kind of employment which, in a struggling economy, is surprisingly difficult to do. You might think that by having 'worked as elf' on your CV, job offers would come flooding in but it turned out not to be the case. Playing it down by writing 'Grotto helper' didn't work either. There was a limit as to how much you could claim the skills you obtained elfing would help you immensely in your new career in a call centre / solicitors / recruitment firm. The post Christmas unemployment wilderness is a difficult place for us elves. We mainly just met up, had coffee, and wondered around the spot where the Grotto used to be, envious of the cleaning staff who still had jobs.

But then, then, Ice remembered children! Children love elves! Ice started working in a nursery. The children, the tears, the vomit, the inexplicable stains on your clothing - it was almost like being in the grotto again. Almost. It was like the grotto without it being Christmas, and without Santa, and without a novelty costume - so, it was horrific really. Through an unexpected act of providence, a Christmas miracle you could call it had it been Christmas, Ice got an offer to work in a secondary school. Kind of as an undercover agent to resurrect belief in Santa amongst the 11-18 year old age bracket. Kind of. Or as a Classroom Assistant.

So what about this year? It's almost Ice's season again! Maybe she'll get to reclaim her name as Twinkle!

Well...around August, Ice received a letter asking her to elf again. Being in full time employment, she um-ed and ah-ed about what to do. The grotto was a magical place, but would it be as magical second time round? Would it be the same doing it only a few hours a week - as a part-time elf? 

No! Elfing is something one must be committed to 100%! And also, the elf employing company needed more hours than Ice had to give. 

Today, Santa came to town. I went into town to watch his arrival, complete with a terrifying float, some unexplained people in Noddy costumes, and two elves. I didn't recognise them. I think their badges said Ice and Twinkle. 

*****Here endeth the adventure of the elf formerly known as Twinkle, latterly known as Ice*****

P.P.S

* Bounce now works in a sandwich shop but is working a few elf shifts a week. I saw her today and she looked unhappy.

*Snapshot has had various jobs but has recently quit her current one to dedicate herself to another year's elfing.

*Santa A is still as amazing as ever despite various health problems througout the year.

*The grotto is smaller this year and has no moving tree and singing raccoon. 

*I intend to spend a lot of time sitting creepily around it and pretending I still work there I'm just not in costume and no longer get paid.

The End

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the grotto,

Parents queued patiently, Children not so,

There was excitement, jumping, laughing and cheer

And of course the obligatory toddler's tears,

Everyone seemed much nicer than before

Although I did have to wrestle a boy to the floor

We got through the queue, no problems or faults,

Avoided any charges of physical assault,

Presents all given, photos as well,

No more keyrings or magnets or hat with a bell,

The grotto is cleared, the letters all sent,

The elves all set for unemployment,

There really is nothing else to do, 

but to wish a very merry Christmas to you

from Ice, Magic, Snapshot, Bounce too

But probably not Twinkle.

The Night Before Christmas Eve

Tomorrow is our last day.


We will be short staffed. Our tempers will be even shorter. We will be incredibly busy. We have all at some point or other this week displayed signs of cabin fever and are ready to kill each other and/or all our customers.


What we need is a Christmas miracle. 


On the plus side we will get to watch anxious parents listen to what their kids ask Santa for and realise they've bought the wrong thing. Well, if you are stupid enough to bring your children to see Santa on Christmas Eve...

The Comeuppance

One elf had started to become a bit of a problem. She was slow on the tills, she took way too many photos and every time she was on our money would be down at least 40 pounds. No-one thought she was stealing, we just thought she was stupid.

On Tuesday she came in 30 minutes before her shift to say she'd had a fight with her mum and didn't feel up to working. Lame excuse, but as we could manage without her, head elf let it slide.

Today was insanely busy. Glimmer was sick and got sent home early. We were coping as best as we could, I was only til 3 and was looking forward to getting away and having a late lunch, the aforementioned elf was due to replace me for her last shift. At 2.45pm head elf came and begged me to stay an extra hour. I had places to be, people to see, food to eat, but things were desperate. Head elf was not happy, she'd finally had enough of lazy elf. Lazy elf who sent her mother down 15 minutes before her shift to say she wouldn't be in.

Head office was called, the truth was told and lazy elf will lose money for breaking her contract.

And who is the lazy elf of which I speak? Twinkle. I knew she wasn't worthy of my name.

The Names 2

As we approach the end of the grotto I feel I should do a round up of the most ridiculous names to pass through the enchanted forest.

 

5) Any name that is undoubtedly chosen from the pages of Heat magazine: Rihanna, Shakira, Keisha, Kai, Beyonce. We've had them all. We even had an Enya today.

4) Meadow

3) Aya Sky  

2) Two sisters: Acacia and Madoka. 'Are they types of wood?' I asked mother. 'I don't know, their father picked them.' 

And the number 1 place, without a doubt, goes to:

1) Shock

First name. Baby dressed like a bumble bee.

The Apology

Monday was my last day with Santa B and as he gave me my Christmas card and later gave me a lift home, I couldn't help feel a bit guilty. 


He really is a very nice man. And he isn't the worst Santa in the world. I saw one last week that was clearly a skinnier than average adolescent, with little to no effort to look the part. For all his faults, Santa B tried his best. And it wasn't really his fault that his hat kept falling off, and his padding sat weirdly and his beard went into his mouth. Santa A is pretty tough competition, and I must say I did notice improvement. A few safety pins here, and readjustment of the wig there and Santa B didn't do half badly. 


I'm sorry for misjudging you Santa B. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

The Coping Mechanism

6 weeks on and patience is almost up. 


The generally public are, by and large, incredibly stupid. They are incapable of queueing without a metal barrier to keep them in line; the concept of three photo items for the price of two is apparently tantamount to quantum physics; the seemingly insurmountable task of choosing between the three identical photos of their child screaming is made all the more arduous when they cannot pay attention for long enough to view them. Basically the grotto has made us despise humanity, a little bit.


We all have different ways of coping. Bounce tends to swear as they exit, Magic makes faces while they are adjusting their child for the photo. I've taken to muttering, usually under my breath.