The Training

Elf training was set for 3 weeks after the interview which, not previously mentioned, I was successful in. Characteristically early and hovering around the area I was almost sure I was meant to be I spotted a portly bespectacled gentleman with a big white beard. SANTA! I KNOW HIM! I didn't say this. What I actually said was 'You must be Santa, I'm an elf' and did an awkward jazz hands gesture.He's called Kevin and he's from Yorkshire, with an accent that simultaneously makes me want to eat Werther's Originals and drink working class tea. It also makes me think of the Davis-Leighs. You probably don't know them. Another rookie elf was present and asked me what I did. I was confused, 'I'm an elf', I replied. Turns out she is 18 and still at school. I explained that I am a full time elf, following an elf vocation. There was a silence.


Our actual training turned out to be less than exciting procedural information and how to work the till. Highlights however were a) trying on our uniforms - changed from previous year's traditional red and green to an uncomfortable purple velour that couldn't help but remind me of Katie Price. The hat does have a bell however, b) choosing our elf names - I opted to pick mine at random to add a bit of excitement and was reasonably pleased with Twinkle. I could've been Snowdrop, or Glitter - but at least I didn't get 'Bounce', c) filling up the present sacks - this actually stopped being fun after 10 minutes as it required ripping open and folding up a lot of cardboard boxes but it was probably the closest we'll get to being in Santa's workshop. 


The most crucial part of the day was probably though our quick fire, awkward questions children will ask, round. Or, as they like to call it, how to keep the magic of Christmas alive. I can now name all the reminder (although apparently there is some controversy over whether it is Donna or Donder - I prefer Donna), know Santa's favourite football team (Lapland United), and am aware of some complicated scientific reason as to why my ears are not pointy (elves get larger closer to Christmas and their ears grow out...).


Fully trained and ready to go, this is Twinkle the Elf signing out.